I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
