If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
