mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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