Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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