Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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