wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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