now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
