Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
