Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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