Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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