my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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