the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
