You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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