He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
