put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
