I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
