my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
