i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
