im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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