saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Randomize
