So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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