he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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