I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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