I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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