Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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