Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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