You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
