i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There's a naked man in my car right now.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
