Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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