She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
