i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you inspire me to be a worse person
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize