my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
