I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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