I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Houston, we have a squirter
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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