Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
