please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
