I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
