So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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