i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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