How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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