Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
