I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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