My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
