Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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