All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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