For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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