I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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