im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
