apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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