I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
