Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize