I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
