so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
