She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
