I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
