the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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