I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
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