i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
