The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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