I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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