Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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