So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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