dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
